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The Automoblow Is a Dick Sucking Robot for Your Tesla

08/07/2020

It’s been a while—two years, in fact—since we last considered the Autoblow, a device designed to simulate the experience of a blowjob. But the makers of this dick-sucking robot are back in my inbox with their latest brainchild: The Automoblow, an accessory for using the Autoblow in a self-driving car.

It’s a swinging piece of scaffolding that cradles the Autoblow on one end and hooks into a cupholder on the other. The scaffolding-arm is adjustable, to “accommodate men of all sizes,” according to the website.

“Great for busy executives who don’t have enough time to masturbate at home,” the site says.

In the video ad for the Automoblow, inventor Brian Sloan demonstrates how it’s done: He sits in a Tesla with Autopilot on, placing one finger gingerly on the steering wheel (as Tesla advises, since Autopilot is not actually fully automated and requires drivers to keep a hand on the wheel at all times) while positioning the mechanical fuckbox over his lap.

When he arrives home in the video, he parks and gleefully jumps out of the car, having supposedly just jizzed inside a robot while driving, and pulls the whole setup out of the car window to carry it under his arm into the house. Normal!

As I found out last year when Sloan sent an Autoblow to my office, the Autoblow isn’t really “smart” in artificially intelligent, connected sex toy terms. I promptly turned it on and stuck my fingers into it, while it whirred and thrashed mechanically with the sleeve improperly half-inserted. It’s not connected to the internet, and it didn’t seem to me like something one would want to put a penis into.

But then again, I’ve done some dumb shit behind the wheel of a moving car, for the sole reason that the challenge was fun while driving. Maybe the thrill and novelty lies in the slightly frightening nature of the thing. Maybe using the Autoblow at highway speeds would be exciting, like riding a rickety roller coaster and wondering briefly if anyone’s ever been decapitated doing this.

Either way, it’s explicitly meant for self-driving use, according to the Automoblow press release and website. Presumably, suggesting this could be used while actually trying to drive would be very dangerous!

“Artificial intelligence, as it is used in self driving cars and even in our male sex toy, frees humans from mundane tasks and allows us to spend our time in more productive ways or in leisure,” Sloan said in a press release. “As self-gratification is a popular leisure activity and controlling a car is not particularly enjoyable, it is self-evident that many men will choose to buy an Automoblow.”

To me, this thing looks like a great way to get your dick broken in half when the Tesla taps the brakes without warning a little too hard. But then again, I’m not a stressed-out executive on his way to a high-powered job in like, sales or something, desperate for some road head while going 85mph to a meeting. At least, I picture that person as the target demographic here.

The Automoblow launches this fall for $139.

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